Where are you God?

A senseless tragedy. A raging lunatic. A broken community. A country in shock.

How could this happen, we ask as we think about the unimaginable pain of the victims? Where is God in all of this? Couldn’t he have prevented this? The comments fly on facebook. Anger causes people to say unthinkable things. “Death is too sweet for this madman…Hell is not a good enough punishment…” I understand their anger. I see the desperation of their hearts. I know how sharply the thought of going through this pierces the soul.

Our hearts cry out as fear creeps in. We blame the schools. We blame the laws. We search for some way to understand this devastation. The normal reaction is to protect. Attempt to control our lives so that nothing like this ever happens. We close in to ourselves, making sure that all protective barriers are in place.

Things like this cause me to wonder many things. Horror is followed quickly by anger, which is never far from fear.

And I cry out, “Where are you God?”

His response? “In you.”

A world in darkness has seen a great light. Yet we bask in the light of Christmas while the world waits in hopelessness, desperate for a Savior.

A couple years ago, I was deeply immersed in ministry. I was involved in everything at church. Teaching, writing, leading, planning. Driving 25 minutes to church several times a week in order to change the lives of those I would minister to. A lady two houses down from me committed suicide one afternoon. I had never met her. I didn’t even know her name.

And I cry out, “Where are you God?”

“In you.”

Yes, we have a problem in this country. But it’s not the problem that everyone is raging about. People living in darkness can’t see where they are going. How can we expect them to? We shine the light on our own families and circles, and then we are shocked to find that the world is drowning in darkness. For the month of December, we catch a glimpse of the despair. We see pictures of starving people in Africa. We remember the homeless downtown. But no one reminds us about the boy in a third grade class whose anger is building because he gets made fun of on a daily basis. No one tells us to reach out to the family down the street because the dad is an alcoholic and the children live in constant fear. We drive across town and send our money overseas to help with noble causes. But there are children in our schools, our neighborhoods, and maybe even our churches who are lonely and hopeless, crying out for help. When will the church wake up? How many tragedies will it take before we stop hiding in fear and start bringing the light of Jesus to a dark and dying world?

Every single “monster” who has committed one of these heinous crimes has a story of deep loneliness, hopelessness, and darkness. So tonight, yes, hold your children close. Cling to them, sing to them, and thank God it wasn’t them. But remember that there may be a child down the street from you who isn’t being held tonight. A child desperate for the light, but stumbling in the darkness.

“Where are you God?”

“In you.”

And if we grasp this, then a world living in darkness will indeed see a great LIGHT!!!

The REAL Miracle of Christmas

Eleven men gather together, their hearts bursting with excitement. Before them, sits the man they’ve known for three years. The man, that just recently hung from a cross and lay dead in a tomb. Yet here he is, alive. After centuries of waiting, it is finally time. Their King is risen. It’s time to act. Can you feel the anticipation in the room? Can you hear the beating of their hearts as he looks into their eyes? One word is all it would take. All he needs to say is “Now” and they will move. Their dreams will come true. Their prayers will be answered. Freedom will come to an imprisoned nation.

Can you picture them leaning forward, nudging each other to ask the burning question?

Finally, they can’t hold it in any longer. They have to know. Now.

“So when the apostles were with Jesus, they kept asking him, “Lord, has the time come for you to free Israel and restore our kingdom?” Acts 1:6

It’s taken them awhile, but they believe now. They know who sits before them. This is truly the One they’ve been waiting for. He’s proven himself, and now it’s time to act. The promises of God, passed down through the ages, are about to unfold. Deliverance. Hope. Victory. That’s God’s plan, right? That’s why Jesus came, right? To make everything better? To put the rightful heir back on the throne?

“He replied, “The Father alone has the authority to set those dates and times, and they are not for you to know. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:7-8

What?????

“I thought he was coming to save us,” they ask. “Aren’t you going to DO something?”

Centuries of waiting—desperate for answers to their prayers—Jesus tells them now he’s not going to do what they are expecting. What they don’t realize, is that he’s going to do something BETTER! Their broken dream is replaced with a bigger dream. Because God’s dreams for his people and his kingdom are bigger than anything we can imagine. No, he didn’t free Israel from the Romans. He did something way bigger. He deposited his power within them! Deliverance. Hope. Victory. All within them. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead would soon be living in them!

God’s dreams are always bigger than our dreams. The greatest miracle God will perform, is the miracle of his Presence living and breathing within us. That is the miracle of Christmas. Not deliverance from our circumstances, but deliverance from the chains around our hearts. He came to see us free. And that is still what he’s doing today.

11-11

I knew from the moment it began appearing, it meant something. 11:11 has followed me everywhere this year. Or, now that I know better, I should say it was leading me somewhere. The problem, though, was that I had no idea what it meant. Why did I look at the clock without realizing it every day at 11:11? Why did these numbers jump out at me when I least expected? I believe God speaks to us in many different ways. He has such a sense of humor, there’s no telling what he’ll do next. At first, it intrigued me. What special message was God trying to get across? I scoured the Bible, looking up every eleventh verse in every eleventh chapter. Nothing. So I asked trusted friends and family what they thought it could mean. Nothing. My intrigue quickly turned to irritation.

“I’m not playing games with you, God. If you have something to say to me, say it. I’m not going on a scavenger hunt.”

So I pushed it to the back of my mind, reminding myself and God continually that I wasn’t interested in this game.

This past year has been the one of the darkest years of my life. It’s also been the most transformational year of my life. The things I’ve learned about who I am and who God is has rocked me to my core. I realized that I was a spinning, striving, hungry, insecure, empty mess. I learned how performance-based my relationship with God was, and how my ministry fed a hunger in my heart that would only leave me hungry for more. God opened my eyes to his heart for me. He showed me what it means to be His daughter and how that affects every other aspect of my life.

Isn’t it interesting that a butterfly’s transformation takes place in the darkness of a cocoon? The place where no one else can see. A seed must hide in the depths of a tomb before it erupts into what it was created for. I’ve been in a tomb this year. A lonely, dark, empty tomb. And I’ve fought to get out. I've tried clawing my way out. I’ve begged God for direction. I’ve pleaded with him for light. And apart from his Presence, the only answer He gave was 11:11. Seriously irritating.

I began to get afraid. What was going to happen on November 11^th? What would God take from me? One of my children? My husband? My house? The more I thought about it, the more I began to fear. And slowly, the shackles returned. The chains of fear held me paralyzed in my tomb. I scoured the Bible again. Nothing, except for Sarah having a baby even though she was barren. Was I going to have a baby?  Not funny, God.

No, I would just have to lock up everyone in my family up on November 11^th. No one would be allowed to leave the house. We would sit on the couch and watch TV. That way I could make sure that nothing would happen. That’s what happens when we let our chains rule our life. Nothing happens. We live paralyzed and stuck. Real life happens when we let go. Real life happens when we realize that God can actually be trusted with everything.

I don’t want to live in a tomb. Living in fear is not living at all. Vying for control only leaves me exhausted. So I let it go. I let 11:11 go. Because in the end, I don’t have any control, and our days have already been numbered.

And that’s when I heard it. The still, small voice, beckoning me to John chapter 11 verse 11. I had read it just two days before, and it meant nothing. What I know now, is that I just wasn’t ready.

John 11:11

“Then he said, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up.”

And suddenly it all became clear. The darkness of this past year. The floundering. The loneliness. The frustration. I was asleep and it was time to wake up. No amount of my own effort could wake me up. I was asleep because for too long I had tried in my own strength. For too long I had fought a battle I was never intended to fight. I had to be transformed, and transformation always happens in the dark.

Have you ever had cold water thrown in your face to wake you up? That’s what happened to me. Like a butterfly erupting from its cocoon, I felt my wings for the first time. Like a flower peaking through the dark soil, I caught a glimpse of who I’m created to be. A new vision for ministry opened up before me. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt awake.

But that’s not the end of the story. This all happened on 11-9.  11-11 was still to come.

Today is 11-11. I woke up this morning still anxious about the day, hoping I heard God right, but doubts creeping in. The snake in the garden convinced Eve to doubt God with the question he’s been asking ever since: “Did God really say?” I wasn’t sure anymore. Did He? Dare I believe that I heard His voice?

Little did I know what God had in store for me today. As I sat in church, my thoughts drifted, my fear always lurking like a shadow. That’s when the pastor told us to turn in our Bibles to John chapter 11.

To say that God took my breath away doesn’t describe what happened this morning. When I saw John 11:11 on the screen today on 11-11, I literally could not breathe. I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He went through the story of Lazarus, and I knew I wasn't the only one waking up. He called us up to the front. I RAN!

My precious friends—today, on 11-11, Jesus called me out of the tomb.

John 11:43

Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!”
And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!”
And my fear, like the graveclothes binding Lazarus, finally fell away.

What happens in the darkness of a cocoon is more important than anything the butterfly does in its lifetime. It is the cocoon that causes our jaws to drop. I’m grateful for my time in the cocoon. But there’s nothing like waking up from a much-needed sleep to discover that you are ready for a new day.

11-11 marks a new birth for me. A new vision. A new purpose. I am now in the business of setting captives free!

Happy 11-11.

Diamond in the Rough

I’m in love.

I have all the symptoms. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t talk about anything else. I catch myself day dreaming when I should be working. I’m finding excuses to sneak a visit. I’m just hopelessly in love and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Some of you will think I’m materialistic. Others of you will understand completely. I’ll tell you either way…I’m in love with a house! It’s not just any house, mind you. It’s a house that my husband and I have been dreaming of for ten years. It’s a house I’ve hunted for the past four years. It’s not just any house. It’s my house.

Do you remember a few months ago, when I thought that maybe God made a mistake. Remember that house that I thought I wanted? Well, I was wrong. God gave me something better, and I am absolutely madly and wildly in love.

The funny thing, though, is that if you were to see it, you probably wouldn’t see I see. They say love is blind. Well, let’s just say it’s not the prettiest thing right now. At least, that’s probably what you would think if you saw it.

You would see a mess. You would see a lot of work. You might even think that we’re crazy.

You would see broken windows in the upstairs bedroom. But I see a view of my kids playing on the tire swing.

You would see orange walls with black trim in the living room. I see our family playing games together on Sunday nights. I see us gathered around the fire on cold winter nights.

You would see an outdated kitchen missing some necessary appliances. I see a room that’s filled with friends. I see our table at Thanksgiving, overflowing with food and surrounded by people hungry for friendship.

You might see chipped paint, stained carpet, and old wallpaper. I see every room with new floors, new paint, and a new beginning.

You might see a daunting task. I see the hope of what is yet to be.

They say love is blind. But maybe it’s not that love is blind as much as that love sees not simply what is, but what can be.

I don’t see a run-down house. I see the fulfillment of years of dreaming. I don’t see the years of neglect and damage. I see what this house will be when I am finished with it. I’ve calculated the cost. I know the effort it’s going to take, and my back already aches with the hours I’ve already labored for this dream. But I don’t see just a run-down house.

I see a diamond in the rough.

As I sit in the car, waiting for the light to turn green, my mind wanders once again to paint colors and counter tops. Another trip to Home Depot. Another day of back-breaking work picking up the debris scattered across the property. And my heart surges with joy.

That’s when the Master Crafstman—the King of New Beginnings, whispers something in my ear that blows me away.

“The way you see this house, Melissa…that’s how I see you. Where the world sees brokenness, I see a view of you living in the fullness of who I’ve created you to be. Where the world sees failure and hopelessness, I see the fulfillment of the dreams I’ve had from the beginning. Others might see the parts that are run-down, outdated, and imperfect…but I see who you really are.”

“I see who you will be when I am finished with you.”

Isn’t that the beauty of our stories? He isn’t finished yet. He has a dream for my life. He has a dream for your life. No matter how run-down and hopeless we might feel or look, He doesn’t see that. He isn’t finished. And He’s got some big plans.

Isaiah 62:3-4

The LORD will hold you in his hand for all to see—a splendid crown in the hand of God.

Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City” or “The Desolate Land.”

Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God.”

For the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

God loves you now, in the midst of your brokenness. In the midst of your mess. And rebuilding you is his delight. He has big dreams for your life, and every step in the process is precious to him.

I really love my house. I love it now, in the midst of its brokenness. We didn’t want a perfect house. We wanted a house that would have our tears, our sweat, and our love ingrained in it. We wanted a house that would reflect who we are. When you visit my house, my hope is that you’ll see me in it. I hope you see my house and say, “That’s so you, Melissa.”

God’s purpose is to make us into a reflection of who He is. His tears, His sweat, His love is ingrained in us. The task of making us new is not daunting. In fact, He can’t wait to show you to this world—a splendid crown in his hand. And then maybe, the world will turn and look at us and say, “Wow, that’s so God!”

However you are feeling today. Whatever mess your life is in. It’s time to see yourself differently. You are a crown in the hand of God. You are His delight, His bride, His dream.

You are His Diamond in the Rough!

Shackled by Fear

I’ve been paralyzed by fear lately. It keeps me awake at night. It haunts me during the day. A life-sucking grip has held me captive for weeks now.

God is asking me to do something bold. He’s asking me to do something risky.

Want to know the scandalous part? What he’s asking me to do is contrary to the Christian culture I’m immersed in. I’ve been told that what I am about to do will ruin my children. I’ve been talked about behind my back. I’ve been criticized, judged, warned, and ridiculed.

Bet you’re on the edge of your seat, just dying to know what this radical thing is that I’m about to do. Ready for it?

I’m putting my kids in a PUBLIC SCHOOL!!!

And all the things people have said to me have allowed fear to slowly take control.

But I can’t give in. That voice that I know so well has called me yet again. His voice is the one that must reign above all the others; and believe me, there are plenty others. While we keep our mouths closed in most areas of parenting opinions, the topic of where we send our kids to school seems to be an open firing range.

This is not a post about how your kids should be schooled, though. I honestly don’t have an opinion about where you should send your kids to school. I do, however, have a lot to say on what fear can do to the heart of a mother who wants the best for her children. I know those fears that keep you awake at night. They are my fears too. And they will eat us alive.

God is asking our family to be a light in our community. He's revealed a specific plan about how to reach our neighbors through the school. It's going to take guts. It's going to take a God-sized dream and God-empowered strength. I’ve fought him time and time again because too often I allow fear to determine my steps.

But this isn’t a post about where my kids are going to school.

This is a post about the greatness of my God!

I’ve brought my fears to His throne time and time again. And time and time again his answer remains the same.

“Do you believe I’m big enough?”

Do I? Do I really believe He’s big enough? Do I really believe that His dreams for my family are bigger than anything I can imagine? Do I really believe that He is who He says He is, and that is ENOUGH?

The other day, just when I thought the fear would swallow me whole, this is the passage God gave me.

Isaiah 8:11-14

The Lord has given me a strong warning not to think like everyone else does.

He said, “Don’t call everything a conspiracy, like they do, and don’t live in dread of what frightens them. 

Make the Lord of Heaven’s Armies holy in your life.

He is the one you should fear.

He is the one who should make you tremble.  He will keep you safe.

A lot of things make me tremble. But this says that there’s only one thing that should make me tremble. The thing about fear is, it’s just a big waste of time. It holds us captive; and instead of protecting us from danger, it keeps us from living. I’ve spent too much time in a prison cell of fear. I want to start living. I want to trust that my God really is big enough to carry out His plans for my life and for my family.

What are you afraid of today? What security are you clinging to today that God is asking you to let go of? What is making your heart tremble?

Do you believe He’s big enough?

If You're Tired Today

I’m not going to lie to you. I’m tired. I’m spent. I have nothing left to give.

I’ve sat here trying to muster up some words, but there’s nothing there. I’ve just about reached my limit of whining, fighting, and crying kids. Honestly, all I want to do is drink a very large glass of wine and get lost in a good book.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

But before I go, if there is a chance that you are feeling the same way, read this passage and remember that the story isn’t finished. My story isn’t finished. My kids’ stories aren’t finished.

Your story isn’t finished. Whatever happened yesterday, rest today in HIM!

Isaiah 40:31 (The Message)

 Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
 or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
 He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.  He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
 And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
 gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
 young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
 They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
 they walk and don't lag behind.

There is a key word in this passage that is easy to miss. It says, “But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.” This is interesting, because I usually wait for God, not on Him. There’s a difference. If we are waiting for God, we are waiting for Him to do something for us. We’re waiting for action and results. It is in this state that we pace the halls, lie awake at night, and wrestle with doubts.

If we are waiting on God, we’re resting in who He is, not what He can do for us.

Are you tired today? Do you feel like a failure? Do you feel like you aren’t the mom, wife, friend, woman you wish you could be? Stop trying. Stop waiting for God to change your circumstances, and just simply be still in his presence.

Your story isn’t finished. Rest today in HIM!

What IF...?

She’s only seven years old.  And it feels like only yesterday I held her in my arms for the first time. That moment when I was somehow entrusted with this fragile life. That moment when suddenly the fear of losing her became my constant companion. So how is it possible that I am walking her down the terminal where I will entrust her to a stranger’s arms for the next two hours, thousands of miles up in the air?

She looks up at me, trying to be brave, but unable to contain the tears that drop like daggers into my soul.           

“I’m just going to miss you so much,” she whispers as the flight attendant reaches out to take her hand.”

I smile and tell her everything will be okay. “You’re going to have so much fun,” I say while fighting the urge to whisk her straight back to the car.

What I don’t tell her is how I laid awake for hours the night before imagining every possible thing that could go wrong. I don’t tell her that my stomach is knotted in fear and my heart is breaking in two. I don’t tell her that I’m afraid the plane will crash, the wrong person will pick her up on the other side, or that I’ll never see her again.

I don’t tell her any of this.

Instead, I tell her I love her. I smile. I kiss her. I say good-bye. And then I wait.

It’s always in the waiting that doubt creeps in. It’s always in the waiting that God asks the question we can avoid in our busyness.

“Do you trust Me?”

Yes, but what if THIS happens…

“Do you trust Me?”

Yes, but what if THAT happens…

It’s in the waiting that we have a choice. I can either choose to let my imagination run wild, or I can choose to believe that God is in control. It’s the same choice I have each and every day. Do I really believe that God is in control? Do you believe that God is in control? When you lie awake at night going through your “what if” list, and panic sets in, do you believe God is in control? When you watch the news and the world spins out of control, do you believe God is in control? When life falls short of your expectations, do you believe God is in control? When the questions outweigh the answers, do you believe God is in control?

When we don’t believe God is in control, we worry. I’ve been worrying for almost eight years.

And her life isn’t in my control any more than it was on the day she breathed her first breath.

Luke 12:25
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

I’ve wasted so much time worrying. Life is too short to waste the moments we’ve been given. Trusting God means living fully today, believing that he’s big enough to take care of what happens tomorrow. Worrying steals the joy out of life. I want to trust God completely so I can live this life abundantly.

Psalm 56:3-4, 10-11

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?

This I know: God is on my side! I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?

She calls me from the airport.

She’s out of breath with excitement, and I’m breathing for the first time in two hours.